快乐社交的简单习惯 | 尼古拉斯·艾普利 | TED

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语言：英语（en）

[0:04] There's a fundamental paradox right at the core of human life.

[0:07] On the one hand, decades of research have shown

[0:10] that we are highly social creatures

[0:12] who are made happier and healthy by reaching out

[0:14] and connecting with other people in the moments, the days, the weeks,

[0:18] the months and the years of our lives.

[0:21] And yet, on the other hand, just look around a little bit.

[0:25] It's not clear that all of us have gotten this memo.

[0:28] Every day there are opportunities, big and small, to reach out

[0:31] and connect with other people that we choose not to take.

[0:34] We avoid talking to strangers.

[0:37] We lean back and type to each other

[0:38] rather than leaning in and talking to each other.

[0:41] Once talking, we stick to shallow talk, to small talk, rather than going deeper.

[0:45] We feel grateful but don't express it.

[0:47] [We] want to reach out to offer support to someone in need but hold back.

[0:51] We would like to be open and honest in our relationships,

[0:53] but all too often keep our true themselves to themselves.

[0:57] If being social connected is so darn good for us,

[1:00] then why do we so often seem to be so unsocial?

[1:04] This paradox hit me like a freight train one morning

[1:07] while I was on an actual train,

[1:09] commuting into my office at the University of Chicago,

[1:12] where I work as a professor ofBehavioral science.

[1:14] That morning on the train began like every other I've been on

[1:18] for years before --

[1:19] all filing onto the train,

[1:20] everybody in a desperate search for their own little acreage of solace

[1:24] right along the window.

[1:25] I think we would have sat outside the train if that was possible.

[1:28] (Laughter)

[1:29] Heaven])** you would sit next to someone and start a chit-chat --

[1:32] of course, youcre.

[1:33] Or worse yet, someone would come and sit down next to you --

[1:36] surely some kind of oddball.

[1:38] But then there we all were.

[1:39] highly social creatures,

[1:41] made happy and healthy by connecting with other people,

[1:44] now sitting hip-to-hip with another perfectly reasonable human being.

[1:48] And what did we do for the next 30 to 45 minutes with each other?

[1:53] (Laughter)

[1:55] We chose to ignore each other.

[1:57] You could have heard a pin drop that morning.

[2:00] That morning, a woman,

[2:01] who was about 15 to 20 years older than I was at the time,

[2:04] sat down next to me,

[2:05] dressed professional for work

[2:07] and wearing just this fabulous, killer, stylish red hat.

[2:10] I'm never going to forget this red hat.

[2:14] I put other people in experiments for a living,

[2:16] but this morning I decided to put myself in an experiment

[2:19] and pay close attention to what happened.

[2:21] Instead of keeping to himself and dopt to check my e)**

[2:24] I would try to have a conversation with her,

[2:26] try to help us get to know each other a little bit.

[2:29] Turn this 30-minute dull ride into something a little more interesting.

[2:32] Turn a stranger into a momentary acquaintance.

[2:35] The second I had that thought about that experiment,

[2:38] my brain started screaming at me all the reasons

[2:40] why this was a real

[2:43] "Clearly, she doesn't want to talk to you,

[2:45] otherwise she would already be talking to you.

[2:47] She's going to think you're some kind ofcreep.

[2:49] You(probability even have something in common with her,

[2:52] and you have nothing to even start with, Smarty pants."

[2:54]rightarrow that part of our brain.

[2:57] I decided the experiment must continue,

[2:59] so I ignore that part of our brain.

[3:01] I turned to her and I said,

[3:03] "Hello, my name is Nick.

[3:05] I have one just like it."

[3:06] (Laughter)

[3:08] Yeah, huh?

[3:09] (Laughter)

[3:11] Now look, I know that's not going to make its way

[3:13] into the conversation Hall of Fame,

[3:15] but it didn't seem to matter.

[3:17] She turned to me, a big smile,

[3:18] her face all light up --

[3:20] she looks like a different person.

[3:22] And from there, the converse just flow real easily.

[3:25] [We] found things that we had in common,

[3:27] we talked about our families, our work, our希望 for the future.

[3:30] 30-minute train ride just went like that.

[3:32] I was done, and I got up to leave, and she stopped me and she said,

[3:35] "Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me this morning."

[3:40] I've forgotten a lot of details

[3:42] about how that conversation actually went,

[3:44] but I've never forgotten how that converse made him fee**

[3:47] Not just good, but surprisingly good.

[3:50] The contras between my beliefs about how that would go

[3:53] and how it actually went was quite large.

[3:57] And there ... in that gap

[3:59] was a potential solution to this paradox.

[4:03] Social connection, after all, is not something that just happens to us.

[4:06] It's a choice we make.

[4:07] It's a choice we make at times

[4:09] or to hold back and avoid them.

[4:12] It might, in fact, arguably be the choice we make,

[4:16] the most important choice we make,

[4:18] because how we make that choice

[4:19] over and over and over again in our lives so routinely

[4:22] determines so much about our happiness])** translation:

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[4:24] our health and our success in life.

[4:27] But highly social creatures like us might avoid reaching out

[4:30] and engaging with other people mistakenly

[4:33] if we under

[4:39] That morning changed both my career and my character.

[4:44] In my career,

[4:46] my wonderful collaborators and I

[4:48] have now conducted well over 100 experiments

[4:51] with over 30,000 people of all ages and nationalities,

[4:55] and found that my tendency to be overly optimis**

[4:57] is not unique to us.

[4:59] It's something we see over and over again in various shades and magnitudes

[5:03] across different contexts that vary a little bit across people --

[5:06] but that consistent signal is there.

[5:08] In one of our very first experiments,

[5:10] we went back to a train station

[5:11] on the line that I ride into work every day,

[5:13] and we recruited a group of commute**

[5:15] and we asked them to predict

[5:17] how they would feel on the train that morning

[5:19] if they kept to themselves in solit**

[5:21] or if they turned to the person who sat next to them that morning

[5:24] and tried to have a conversation, tried to connect.

[5:27] The results here were crystal clear:

[5:28] people thought talking to a stranger was a real])** idea.

[5:31] They thought they would have a more positive experience

[5:34] that left them feeling happy if they kept to themselves in solit**

[5:37] than if they turned to the stranger to connect with them on the train.

[5:41] But when we recruited another sample of people

[5:43] and actually randomly assigned them in an experiment

[5:45] to either keep to themselves in solit**

[5:48] or to try to connect with a person sitting next to them --

[5:51] rather than just imagine it, to actually do it --

[5:53] we found exactly the opposite results.

[5:56] The people we had instructed randomly

[5:58] to keep to themselves that morning

[6:00] reported having a less positive and happy commute

[6:03] than those we asked to connect with the person sitting next to them.

[6:06] People’s beliefs about social interaction here were not just wrong --

[6:09] they were precisely backward.

[6:11] But notice that if you believe that talking with a stranger would suck,

[6:14] you don't try it,

[6:15] and then you would never find out that you might be wrong about that.

[6:19] Pessimistic beliefs in that way are self-fulfilling.

[6:24] This little experiment was just the tip of a very large iceberg

[6:28] that came into view for us in many subsequent years.

[6:30] We've now seen this tendency to be overly optimis**

[6:33] over and over and over again.

[6:35] We have now had more than 4,500 people

[6:38] not just have conversations with a stranger,

[6:40] but to have deep converations with a friend and

[6:43] talk about things like,

[6:44] "Can you tell us what you're most grateful for in your life?

[6:47] Or "Can you tell us about one of the last times

[6:49] you cried in front of another person?

[6:52] So when I show people these questions in these experiments,

[6:55] I can feel a sense of dread spreading over the room

[6:57] when I put these questions up on the board,

[6:59] people start eyeing the exits --

[7:01] worst they thought they would have.

[7:03] But then when I actually put them into the experiments,

[7:06] in the converations,

[7:08] the trouble I have is getting them to come back.

[7:10] These converations go much better than people expect that they will.

[7:15] This is also true when we have people

[7:17] who disagree about the most divisible political issues that divide us today

[7:20] talk about those political disagreement

[7:22] even those political disagreement,

[7:26] go better than people expect them to.

[7:29] We find in our research that we have tremendous power

[7:33] to create meaningful social connection every day of our lives.

[7:36] But if we under**

[7:40] we won't use that power that we have.

[7:46] We see this tendency for misplaced optimis**

[7:48] also showing up beyond converations.

[7:51] When we ask people to think of a complement**

[7:53] they could give to their friend

[7:55] and then actually deliver that complement to their friend,

[7:58] they leave their friend fee**

[8:00] than the complementers expected they would.

[8:02] When we ask people to express their gratitude to someone they love,

[8:05] they leave their recipients fee**

[8:07] than the expressers predict they would.

[8:11] Performing random acts of kind**

[8:14] reaching out and asking for help,

[8:17] expressing support to someone in need,

[8:19] all ten to be received, on average,

[8:21] more favorably, more positively by the people we're reaching out to

[8:25] than the people who are reaching out expected to.

[8:30] How much more time

[8:31] would you spend reaching out to lift someone up

[8:33] if you knew just how much good in that moment you could actually do?

[8:40] No research I've ever been involved with

[8:43] has changed the way I live my life more than this.

[8:46] My train rides are almost never silent anymore.

[8:49] I met amazing people on planes and in cabs.

[8:51] Even just walking around town is more positive for me,

[8:54] whether I'm on campus or [at] work or in a grocery store)**

[8:56]])])])))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))**

natural translation of the given Markdown text into Chinese is as follows:

[8:57] 因为我已经形成了一个 habit of walking around with my head up.

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[14:08] 谢谢您 so much.

[14:07] ( standing ovation)